Netflix

Elizabethtown

This movie hung around our house for over a month. I kept reading the sleeve and wondering 'How did Orlando Bloom end up on my queue?'

I finally watched it yesterday when I was home alone. Time to move on and get some better movies in da haus.

Sarah's Orlando Bloom, Elizabethtown Movie Review:

I liked it.

But I really didn't.

It was slow and dragging.

I started texting.

I liked the music.

A lot.

And the scenery.

But the story was lame.

And ridiculous.

Then I started crying.

2 stars down. Sad face. Pickle sauce and no recommendations.

Then I realized it was directed by Cameron Crowe and decided it was a peaceful, meditative, genius, music video tribute to Kentucky.

Then I liked it.

High points:

• The music.
• The mere presence of Loudon Wainwright.
• The relationship between Cousin Jessie and his son Samson.
• Samson's scream. Impressive.

Low points:

• Stupid homemade suicide machine (I'm honestly scared someone will make this and try to kill themselves in that unbelievably gruesome way. Probably a tweaker. Come on, Cameron)
• Boner Bob.
• Terrible four-way phone conversation between Judy, Jessica, Kirsten and Orlando. That device is played out, brother.
• Dumb tap routine with uncomfortably, unreasonably long audience clapping.
• Bird on fire. Why???
• Orlando's steering wheel pounding.

Best line in the movie:

“You keep trying to break up with me and we're not even together.”

Worst line in the movie:

You know, there doesn't always have to be a best and a worst.

And now a word on 'The Map':

Even though it is Impossible for her to have put that elaborate map together in that time frame complete with music and photos and recommendations for stops for chili and cool bartenders, with drawings and voice recordings and her somehow timing things exactly to when the magazine article would hit the stands and when he would finally grieve the death of his father and, also, I seriously doubt she would be that music savvy nor would she be able to arrive at the Second Largest Farmer's Market in the World at the same time he did unless she was following him the entire trip – stalker freak - and yet Still! Wouldn't it be kinda cool if someone did that for you?

One man's stalker is another's manic, energetic, obsessive, fun loving, creative and devoted potential life mate!

With great taste in music.

My theory on the map is that she had been working on it for years just waiting for the right guy to come along.

Yeah, she's stalkery.

But, I'm just sayin'. I want a map like that.